i am indignant. flurries of disdain, wretched baths of discomfort. windows with deep colored drapings painting colored shadows onto white washed walls. after weeping, joyous, bittersweet tears over a love once lost, comfort, or lack thereof? taming billowed sheets like uneasy clouds in April, wonders among wonders seek disguised serenity. what prize has yet to be attained? a lover? a friend? selfish thoughts spewed out into the world like pale yellow pollen, into the minds of the strays, evermore. let them be safe, clinging on to planks adrift a sea of bustling crusaders. let them be safe.

after nights of restlessness & sleeping fits, i have come to terms with what needs to be done. i cannot further myself until i become stable.

despite the simplicity of things i still cower uncontrollably. where is the goddess confidence that is embedded into each layer of my soul? this is all irresistible, i crave every aspect, but what has me at a halt. infallibility is destructive.

everything is so undeniably beautiful, gleaming & beckoning to me, when i go i fall short  again. whispers entrance me, my eyes follow & dance in harmony with them in a unhealthy circus-like manner. it is all so unhealthy, really.

i am tired of loving. so, so tired.

an image of my exasperation, enjoy

it puzzles me how much things can change in the matter of months, weeks, days.

i want to be a siren. i want to be beautiful, raging, strong, & vicious. i want to breathe water the way i breathe crystal mountain air. i want to get lost while excavating my majestic world. i want a domain of my own, where i can trample on ocean weeds, use my tears to hydrate them & create anemones with spongey branches that protect the critters within. i want to create life & then destroy it, because i know it’s mine & only mine.

i am happy. i am embracing myself, the inner workings of my mind. emotions are so delicate, like rotten rose petals with musky traces of fragrance. there is a sadness present, & if i act upon it, make it go away, i’m torn, as if sadness is meant to be there. i am sure it is, creating an equilibrium in the fragile state of the human mind like some entranced peace maker. the fragile state of my mind. i wish i could tap into it.